“I'd rather have loyalty than love
'Cause love really don't mean jack (Straight up)
See love is just a feeling
You can love somebody and still stab them in they back (Oh God)
It don't take much to love
You can love somebody just by being attached (21)
See loyalty is a action
You can love or hate me and still have my back (Facts)”
After ridding those toxic people from my life I started to feel more amazing and happy. I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
Then August 2019 occurred, I had been doing well all year with my health. My only issues were finances and relationships. But I got an extraction in August. Unfortunately I didn’t react well to it. I bled for 3 days continually, went to the ER 3 times in a row and got sent home twice, finally the ambulance had to be called because I had lost so much blood I was too weak to walk. I had to have over 4 blood transfusions and a week of hospitalization. It was by far one of the worse experiences for me. More so because I was helpless. And that particular visit, I felt as though I was treated poorly. In September 2019, I realized that my close friends had my back more than some of my family and although it was a disappointment, it was also a wake-up call for me. I also discovered that my sister whom I had been the closest to all of my life was going to be a mother. That news trumped my horrible year. Nothing else mattered except that a new life would come into this world and I’d get the opportunity to love that child as if the child was my own. Nothing else mattered in that moment. And then October 2019 happen. It was a complete 180 shift. My finances were better and my mind was healing.
On my 34th birthday. This is how I felt
Thank you God for another birthday!
Another day to breathe, talk, see, move, smell.
Another day to laugh, to cry, to love.
Another day to forgive, forget, move forward and to grow.
Another day to fix my mistakes of yesterday.
Another day to heal, change, learn, and recover strength.
Another day to fight, stay strong and relax.
Another day to SMILE at my son.
Another day to create memories.
I'm grateful for my life as it may be. Life could be a curse full of Blessings. I'm grateful for the role that I serve to others. I'm grateful for all that I've endured because it's made me who I am today.
I am thankful for my purpose and to whomever it may serve. My chances at life I'll never take for granted.
As I step into Chapter 34, I will embrace all that I am and everything that comes with it. I will continue to accept all circumstances for what they are and I WILL LOVE ME through it all.
May I be guided through this journey with joy in my heart and peace within my soul
I AM READY 💜
In November 2019, after trying so hard to rebuild a relationship with a family member, I discovered that it was a waste of my energy. I had been trying for so long all the while feeling attacked. I’d never do to this person what they had done to me. They were loyal to the opp. As much as I love this person, I can’t rock with disloyalty. All I would do is offer my help and she’d shoot me down. It’s okay though because her life will change in May in 2020 and I’m praying that she will wake up and understand the power of her new role and what understanding means and maybe she won’t be stuck in her ways and so rude and disrespectful. I feel like she should get a taste of her own medicine and maybe she’ll drift a little bit. Maybe I’ll write her a 4 page letter like she did to me and let her know how she is failing as a parent.
Last but not lease December 2019 came, and I felt like a changed woman. Another family member stopped speaking to me because I refused to take part in something that he wanted me to do. But by this time, I was stronger. I no longer cared. Therapy had made me a new woman, so my new focus is ME. And only ME! And what makes ME happy and what’s good for me! So after taking a year off of writing, I’m back at it again and I’m flourishing! I love who I am and who I am becoming. I’ve learned to turn my inner voice off and to say fuck you back if you say fuck me. I also learn to not say anything to people who are not receptive to my assistance, advice or opinion. I’m falling back and only thinking about ME!