My last post was November 2016 and I shared a poem with you all in regards to the pain I was in. But what I didn't do is explain that the pain wasn't only from my lupus nor only externally. It was internally, mentally, and emotionally. I was broken and I didn't know how to be fixed. I had been involved in a bad relationship with a bad person and I had dealt with so many bad dealings during that year because I naively decided to allow this not so great person to be in my space. It caused me more stress and complications to my illness. I was overwhelmed, pressured, hurt, stuck, foolish but overall careless because I felt defeated and didn't want to continue to fight.
The funny thing about it through is that I kept this part of the destruction in my life a secret and managed to accomplish some great things. I graduated University of La Verne with my Bachelor's degree and this was huge. Very huge for me. As I young adult I was told that I wouldn't make it, and that my life was ruined because I had a child at 20 years old before marriage and finishing college. That had always stuck with me. So I was determined to prove them wrong no matter how long it took. I have a funny way of holding in things and shocking the crowd. Giving them a version of me that they never expected.
So fast forward, today here I am, t job promotion, three degrees (Two Associates, One Bachelors), working on my Masters, working full time, a mom, soon to be wife, one published book, two pending published books, with a deadly complicated ass illness. I'm maintaining a living, a life and survival. So I could give two shits what a person thinks because guess what, I'm doing it. Me! And the shit IS NOT, I repeat IS NOT easy.
So let's continue to the focus of this post. I stopped focusing on my passion which was writing and spreading awareness. I got cocky with my progress and just no no longer had the motivation to finish my books which were already over 50% complete. I guess you could say I took a break. I was just living my life. What did I do during that break though? I fell in love. It stopped my world and my routine. I got lost within us and just accepted my new journey. I stopped focusing on me and focused on what was there. It felt good, I felt great, and I was so very happy. There wasn't one thing that could steal that from me. I thrived in it, stopped keeping in touch with a lot of people. That love became my life and was the only thing that mattered at the time. HUGE PROBLEM. I lost myself and forgot that during the process of loving what was going on in my life, I still needed to love me. So from January 2017 to November 2017, my world was beautiful or at least I thought.
In November 2017 I was found unconscious on the floor. I was told that prior to that I thought my kitchen was the restroom and I tried to use it. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and was placed in a medically induced coma while under sedation. A tube was placed down my throat due to an insufficient amount of oxygen being received. Imagine how I felt once I woke up? Restrained, pain in throat, not knowing where the hell I was or who the people were around me, sedated, in pain, confused, catheter, etc. My first thought was get me the hell out of here. Then, I thought someone was trying to kill me until a nurse approached me asking questions. I just stared. Observed my surroundings until I saw familiar things. Nothing was familiar though. The Nurse explained that I was at the hospital in ICU. I felt like I was in the psych ward because they had me tied to a bed and it didn't look like a typical hospital room. I remember my sister approaching me asking me if I knew who she was, who I was, where I was, etc. I didn't. So I laid there, angry, confused and wanting to break free. I was told that many family members were there but I don't remember, all that I am able to say at this point is that I appreciate you for the support. I remember a select few after I was finally alert and slightly stable. My apologies to that hospital staff because I was not a friendly patient. I cursed, threatened, screamed, etc. I remember my friend apologizing on my behalf and telling them I wasn't a mean person and to forgive my behavior. The next day or two I was transferred to my home hospital, treated for about 1-2 weeks and discharged back home. I remember my discharge diagnosis said something like confused, or mentally impaired. When I was sent home so much drama occurred. I won't go into those details but I will say I was cocky. I didn't think I needed anyone or any help. I refused it all. My mom flew out here to help care for me and I wasn't appreciative because I thought I was super woman. I could do it all. I didn't need help. I kept telling everyone I always bounce back. This can't stop me. I went right back to work in less than 4 weeks and I was ready. Ready to take over. I didn't need family of friends, or did I?
"Arrogance is an unhealthy ego in need of repair." ~Thomas Faranda
TO BE CONTINUED...