"Remain Humble. You can fall off anyday."
Life. What is it? What's the purpose? I'm sitting here full of thoughts, emotions and confusion. I just finished watching the movie "Precious" and I know, I know it's just a movie but it's also real life to someone else. So I sit here like damn Toya. You just have some painful ass illness that controls your life, moods, health, actions, thoughts, mental and safety. Why do you complain? Why even mention what you go through? No one cares. No one pays attention. You're not helping anyone. You're drawing attention and people are thinking you are an attention seeker.
This entire experience while I'm finding myself, or at least trying to, I try to focus on the things that get me through the day. I may not be getting beat, raped, tortured, homeless, hungry, armless, deaf, blind, etc but truth be told all problems are problems. None are less than the others when it comes to someone's life. We All have different levels of hardship and they ALL need to be tended to. Isn't that how we mold a better world for us to live in? We all need to be heard and that's all I want.
I don't know exactly who I am and I may be still trying to find her. but I do know that I want to be heard. I want people to know my struggle because maybe, just maybe it may help theirs. People reach out to me all the time telling me to keep fighting, and that I am their inspiration. Truth be told though, I'm no fighter. I'm just out here surviving the best way that I know how. About a week ago a family member of mine asked me what makes me happy? It's rare that people ask me about my feelings, or thoughts. I'm usually given advice or told how to live better, eat better, cure my lupus, etc. My response was "Helping others. Seeing people smile and succeeding. Writing. Jalen. Being around family. Creative stuff like painting. Sentimental things. Words from the heart. All of this makes me happy and keeps me going. And most importantly PEACE."
This is my truth. I know it's more difficult for me to live like other people because of my health sometimes in regards to certain activities, scenery's and thing, so sometimes I live vicariously through them because I feel like, if they are winning then of course I'm winning too. For example, if one of them has a baby, I'm like yay we had a baby because I know I can't and if I ever can again then it will be a miracle like my first child was. If they're people that I love, then we win together through each other's accomplishments. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. You can't expect people to love like you, give like you, think like you, care like you. And this is one of the reasons why I always feel as though I don't belong here. This world thrives off money, business, trends, looks material, popularity, opinion, etc. I'm not that person. I'm not her. Everyone wants to be like the next person. I don't. I don't care to fit in. As I stated before, I just want to be heard and of course respected.
After this recent experience of mine, I've realized that my lifestyle needs to change. I need to stop surviving and start living. Living the life that I'm supposed to live. Being happy, healthy and free.