2020 is a BLESSED year for me!

This year has been Amazing for me. I know, I know, it sounds insane. We’re dealing with COVID-19, riots, protests, an out of this world President, deaths, business closures, poor economy, and so much more. It kind of sounds like World War.

But for me it’s been peaceful. I’ve found my confidence again that I lost once upon a time ago. It’s been tranquility. I finished my drama-fiction novel that I’ve been working on since 2016. I’ve gained new friends and lost a few. I’ve expanded a few relationships. And I’ve realized my full value and self-worth. I've lost weight and started to practice more self-care.

I’ve been able to do things this year that I haven’t been able to do for quite some time. You see when you are in and out of hospitals, you’re always in pain, you’re always experiencing body aches, and it’s hard for you to walk, shower and drive. That becomes the norm for you, so this PANDEMIC crisis is nothing. I will seriously take anything over having LUPUS. That’s how bad it is. That’s how much I’ve suffered my whole life. I’ve cried tears daily and been in complete agony. Many times I didn’t want to live. I used to beg for GOD to take my life. That how much I've suffered.

There were times I couldn’t work or take care of my son. There were times that I needed help walking to the restroom and taking a shower. There were times I wasn’t able to drive. I’ve lost my ability to speak before, walk, move, and even think. I’ve lost my memory before. So this, this array of current events is GOLD to me. I’ll take it and I won’t complain. I remember laying in hospital beds praying that I get to live a normal life and go home and be healthy.

So you see why I’m still happy? I’m soaking every bit of greatness in. Because you see these good moments don’t come often for me. The entire 2020, I haven’t been in a hospital. I haven’t been in serious amounts of pain. I’ve been able to work and be independent. That’s rare for me. So I’m sorry if you all are having a hard time. I am not. LUPUS is my hard time. Any day with no signs of suffering is a GREAT day for me!

I am grateful for times like this where I look good, feel good and live well. Nothing else matters but this. These rare moments is what counts for me. I thank God every day for these moments because I’m highly aware that at any given moment, I could lose this moment. So I’m very humble, very grateful and very appreciative of what the year 2020 has done for me.
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I always tell people, “APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE, BEFORE YOU NO LONGER HAVE IT.” Just as fast as you get it, you can lose it just as easily. In the meantime, I will continue to GLOW, GROW, and soak all of this GREATNESS in. Stay Blessed folks! And do NOT take anything in life for granted. Remember things could get worse!

After lots of time spent, on trying to make this right, my vision finally became a reality.

Wildcard represents the unknown. The part we don't know about life. This card  is sometimes dealt and we have absolutely no power over it. Sometimes life is an unforeseen mystery and therefore it remains a Wildcard.

The book is now AVAILABLE for preorder. Message me for details!

So I've been anticipating this release for some time now! It's been a project of mine for a few years. I'm so excited about the release for several reasons. 

1. It's my baby!
2. I've worked very hard on it.
3. It took a lot of time, dedication, patience and confidence.
4. Writing has been my passion since I was a young girl.
5. It's very personal to me and this is one craft that helps me grow through my struggles.
6. I have many goals for this project so there are reasons behind it.
7. It's kept me going when there were times I didn't even know I could continue.
8. It has a very interesting and unique story line.
9. You're going to enjoy it!
10. This is just the beginning for me and I can't wait until you're a part of it all!

I go through so much, mentally, physically and emotionally. There are so many times when I get extremely discouraged, depressed and overwhelmed with the reality of it all. Sometimes I don't even feel like existing anymore because most of the time I'm not even living. I try to carry a sense of humor to assist me through these hard times. I also try to remain positive because I'm fully aware that there are people who experience harder times than I do.

As much as I want to give up, I don't. As much as I feel alone, I manage. And as much as I lose hope, I move forward. All of this is due to my writing. This is why I'm so open about how I feel and why I feel it. Sometimes I feel like I'm someone that people could relate to and other times I feel like I'm misunderstood. 

This is the roughest life journey to conquer. I still haven't completely accepted the reality of it but here I am trying my very best to make it through life and deal with it at the same time. My goal is to be an inspiration to those who feel the same as I do and if you feel better than I do then my goal is for you to become an inspiration to someone else.

Writing is MAGIC to me but I never can get far without your support. So I continue to thank you so very much. A little goes a long way and just listening or reading means everything to me and it also helps me take that next step.

I hope you're ready to share this experience with me, because I AM READY!

As you can see, I didn’t write anything for the year 2019! It was a very rough and trying year for me. I was extremely depressed. So depressed that I had to enroll myself in therapy in March 2019, so I wouldn’t do any harm to myself. I felt alone, lost and like I was drowning. I had no one to talk to and no one who cared to listen. My relationship was stagnant. I didn’t have family to rely on. I was depressed and just fed up. But going into 2020, my life shifted. I had stopped speaking to some family members that I had trusted with everything and they turned out to be the biggest disappointment to me. One thing about me is that I will never chase you. I also don’t respect disloyal people. If you don’t like who I am then feel free to always exit my life. I’m black and white. There is no gray area with me. You either like me or you don’t. You are down for me or you’re not. I don’t do the on and off thing. We’re either speaking or we’re not. And I’m not the type to forget things that I take seriously. Also I don't do fakes or extras. I am very blunt to your face and behind your back. Most can't handle my mouth but that's okay because I don't think it was made for the weak. If I rocked with you at one point and something you did made me lose respect for you, I will not re-respect you nor will I care to communicate with you. Blood means absolutely nothing to me. But loyalty is everything. Only loyal people will remain in my life. The others can kick rocks. I feel like 21 savage did when he said,
“I'd rather have loyalty than love
'Cause love really don't mean jack (Straight up)
See love is just a feeling
You can love somebody and still stab them in they back (Oh God)
It don't take much to love
You can love somebody just by being attached (21)
See loyalty is a action
You can love or hate me and still have my back (Facts)”
After ridding those toxic people from my life I started to feel more amazing and happy. I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
Then August 2019 occurred, I had been doing well all year with my health. My only issues were finances and relationships. But I got an extraction in August. Unfortunately I didn’t react well to it. I bled for 3 days continually, went to the ER 3 times in a row and got sent home twice, finally the ambulance had to be called because I had lost so much blood I was too weak to walk. I had to have over 4 blood transfusions and a week of hospitalization. It was by far one of the worse experiences for me. More so because I was helpless. And that particular visit, I felt as though I was treated poorly. In September 2019, I realized that my close friends had my back more than some of my family and although it was a disappointment, it was also a wake-up call for me. I also discovered that my sister whom I had been the closest to all of my life was going to be a mother. That news trumped my horrible year. Nothing else mattered except that a new life would come into this world and I’d get the opportunity to love that child as if the child was my own. Nothing else mattered in that moment. And then October 2019 happen. It was a complete 180 shift. My finances were better and my mind was healing.
 
On my 34th birthday. This is how I felt
Thank you God for another birthday!
Another day to breathe, talk, see, move, smell.
Another day to laugh, to cry, to love.
Another day to forgive, forget, move forward and to grow.
Another day to fix my mistakes of yesterday.
Another day to heal, change, learn, and recover strength.
Another day to fight, stay strong and relax.
Another day to SMILE at my son.
Another day to create memories.
I'm grateful for my life as it may be. Life could be a curse full of Blessings. I'm grateful for the role that I serve to others. I'm grateful for all that I've endured because it's made me who I am today.
I am thankful for my purpose and to whomever it may serve. My chances at life I'll never take for granted.
As I step into Chapter 34, I will embrace all that I am and everything that comes with it. I will continue to accept all circumstances for what they are and I WILL LOVE ME through it all.
May I be guided through this journey with joy in my heart and peace within my soul
I AM READY 💜
 
In November 2019, after trying so hard to rebuild a relationship with a family member, I discovered that it was a waste of my energy. I had been trying for so long all the while feeling attacked. I’d never do to this person what they had done to me. They were loyal to the opp. As much as I love this person, I can’t rock with disloyalty. All I would do is offer my help and she’d shoot me down. It’s okay though because her life will change in May in 2020 and I’m praying that she will wake up and understand the power of her new role and what understanding means and maybe she won’t be stuck in her ways and so rude and disrespectful. I feel like she should get a taste of her own medicine and maybe she’ll drift a little bit. Maybe I’ll write her a 4 page letter like she did to me and let her know how she is failing as a parent.
Last but not lease December 2019 came, and I felt like a changed woman. Another family member stopped speaking to me because I refused to take part in something that he wanted me to do. But by this time, I was stronger. I no longer cared. Therapy had made me a new woman, so my new focus is ME. And only ME! And what makes ME happy and what’s good for me! So after taking a year off of writing, I’m back at it again and I’m flourishing! I love who I am and who I am becoming. I’ve learned to turn my inner voice off and to say fuck you back if you say fuck me. I also learn to not say anything to people who are not receptive to my assistance, advice or opinion. I’m falling back and only thinking about ME!

You and I have differences, indeed it's true.
I have lupus, what about you?
Your skin may be light, and mine's dark.
So many differences where do I start?
I've humbled myself because of this illness.
So much in life has bothered my spirits.
Daily I suffer, and I know others suffer too!
So what is the big difference between me and you?
I care about the sick and even the poor,
but your careless thoughts bother me much more!
I'd give my last if I had it, to you and a friend,
but some people wouldn't give if the world was to end.
Hurricanes, earthquakes and tornados bother me,
It bothers me more than most and sometimes deeply.
Anytime there's a tragedy, it affects someone.
For me the incidents linger, for you, life goes on.
So many situations have me scared and shook.
Why did we lose those babies at Sandy Hook?
My heart is hurt, sad, and neglected,
and your biggest concern is the President that we elected.
There is so much going on that most of you know nothing about,
do you even care about the sick ones, the famine and the droughts?
You have great things that are pleasurable and new,
but what about the people are less fortunate than you?
You say it's their fault, because they were given opportunities too,
but you know nothing about their life and what they've been through.
I can't stand when people lie, steal, and are greedy and fake.
I'm the type of person who'd rather give than take.
Most people in life forget where they come from,
I'm glad I'm different from most, I'm only like some.
As easy as you got it, as quick as it can go
So don’t be so quick to judge the people you don’t know.
Try to have some compassion and some kindness in your heart.
For those who have given up on life, teach them a new start.
Your blessings may be beginnings, while misfortunes may cause end.
We need to end violence and stop allowing suicide to win.
This world is a bigger mess than what we started with,
I wake up every day in shock because I live in this.
Lupus always has me so deep in thought,
but I am grateful for all that it has taught.
Let's stop being hateful, and selfish and bland,
if someone is struggling, then lend them a hand.
It's not hard to be kind, or considerate, you see.
I've embraced life values and know what hard times do to me
I’d rather have friends than waste time on enemies.
If you have hate towards me than I’ll let you be.
See, our thoughts and our actions reflect our true being,
Sometimes I don't understand the hatred I continue seeing.
How did we get this way? It wasn't God's plan for us.
What happened to the real value of "In GOD we trust?"
We hurt, rob and kill our own neighbors and brothers,
When we really have no rights to harm one another.
Why can't we wake up and just see the truth?
There's no life without me, but also none without you.
So the real difference you see lies within our hearts.
It’s time to make this world better for all, so where should we start?
​

Poem that I knocked out in about 5 minutes! This happens when I write with my emotions...

I Stand Alone
 
Alone is where I’m standing.
Alone is where I’ll be.
Alone is a confinement in a place that I can’t see.
I don’t want to be alone but that’s where I’ll be.
Because I live in a world amongst most who will don’t understand me.
 
Alone is where I’m standing.
Alone is where I’ll be,
On one’s own is my present.
Alone in thoughts is what I see.
I stand alone but I don’t want to be.
These thoughts in my head are confusing me.
 
Alone is where I’m standing.
Alone is where I’ll be.
Living in my own mind and thoughts come naturally.
A place of depression that I can’t surely see,
But not a place of favor or where I want to be.
It’s overwhelming and has shackles upon me.
 
Alone is where I’m standing.
Alone is where I’ll be.
I need to release from this mindset and escape a piece of me.
Hurt and pain is powering but it’s not all that I see.
Being alone will causes those things and I just let it be.
 
Alone is where I was standing.
Alone is how I used to be.
I finally found a breakthrough and now I’m feeling free.
I’ve taken control of emotions because it’s not who I want to be.
Everyday I’m positive and alone is far from me.
 
I used to stand alone.
But now I stand free.
I’m glad those words, no longer pertain to me.
I finally found relief and also found strength.
I’m now grateful for a new reality.
 
 

(Please see previous July 2018 blog posts to discover how I got to this point)

ROUND I
Fast forward about 7 months later and now we're here. On May 31, 2018 I went to see my family Physician because some weird things were happening to my body that had never occurred before. I took a nap because I was experiencing a really bad headache. It wasn't normal and it hurt so bad I couldn't focus. I was also having vision issues and sensitivity to the light. I felt like maybe if I sleep and wake up, then it would all disappear. The nap lasted about 5 minutes and then I woke up to a weird numbing and tingling feeling on the left side of my body. It lasted about 5 minutes. I immediately scheduled an appointment and was fortunately able to go see my doctor the same day. He did a typical Neurological exam on me because I expressed that I thought I was experiencing something called a Paraplegic Migraine. He stated that everything came back negative and that he thought it was just a Migraine with Aura. He sent me home on prescribed medication called SUMAtriptan (IMITREX) and told me to take only as needed. I knew this wasn't just a headache so I didn't get the prescription filled. I just purchased the magnesium oxide and Vitamin B-2 as instructed. He told me if it happened again to go to the Emergency Room.

ROUND II
The weekend passes. I'm still feeling awkward but I just decide to continue my daily routine. Monday, June 4th approaches and I go to work. Everything is as normal as can be. After work, I pick up my son as I usually do and go home. At this time my boyfriend is asleep and sometimes he can sleep pretty hard so when I got home I didn't wake him. I got sit on the couch and then I end up on a phone call with my mom while my son is in his room. Within 15 minutes I start feeling another headache so I tell my mom about it. Then I start to feel the same tingling and numbing that I had felt on memorial day feeling on the right side of my body. My face starts feeling droopy as I'm talking to my mom. She tells me to go to the hospital. After I hang up with her I realize I really have to use the restroom and I have no balance. I feel light headed and my vision starts messing with me. I felt like my eye was twitching and I was walking a mile to the next room which wasn't too far away. The entire time I'm calling out for my boyfriend to help as I try to make it to the restroom. My coordination was way off and my sensation of touch felt like needles. It was so awkward. Finally he woke up and was able to help me, which was good because there was no way that I was able to use it without him. As I told him that we needed to get to the ER ASAP my speech began to slur. I couldn't feel the entire right side of my leg and right arm and he had to physically lift me to get me to the front door. As I waited as he pulled the car up I couldn't say one thing correctly. My son kept asking me what was wrong with my face and I felt like I was talking with my tongue and if I had just gotten back from the Dentist and my entire mouth was numb. I started seeing double and the entire time I had a headache. We were all freaking out but we finally made it. The funny thing is that by the time we made it there all of the symptoms were gone. Even the slurred speech. I'm sure the nurses probably thought I was insane but they still took me in the back immediately. I had multiple tests done from MRI's to CT scans and EKG's and no stroke was revealed but all of the symptoms were there. Of course having this complex medical history they decided to admit me and monitor for observance. During that stay there were no more episodes nor symptoms so I was discharged Wednesday, June 6, 2018 and told to take it easy. Everyone was still concerned about what was causing these issues and trying to figure out why, when or if it would happen again. My entire concern was why now? What was I doing wrong? I had started changing my diet in January but that should be a great thing right?

ROUND III
So the day that my life really changed finally approaches. Friday, June 8, 2018. My brother's 30th birthday. What a coincidence right? Since the age of 9, I knew I had lupus. But knowing I had lupus never meant I was incapable, never meant I needed assistance, never meant I couldn't do it. I've never said that I had a disability. I've never accepted that term in my life before because I knew that lupus would never defeat me.
A disability was an impairment. I wasn't impaired. I mean I had random flare ups that caused destruction to my body from time to time but who was that supposed to stop? Not me? Not Toya? Remember I didn't need any help. I was cocky. I've been doing this. I can continue doing this. I didn't need anybody. I didn't dig deep though on the term. The meaning of this impairment. It involved developmental, intellectual, mental physical, sensory, cognitive, etc and it could affect a person's life activities for a lifetime.
I had been experiencing so many limitations and restrictions in life and really didn't pay much attention because I felt as though I could fix it. There was always difficulty but also a solution. My illness had been complex all of my life and it's always affected how I lived but I just never really took it as serious as I should have because I knew it could be fixed with a pill, a test, surgery, technology, etc. I was putting a bandage on my pain, my suffering, my hardships, my torture, my exhaustion, my weakness and that was how I was able to stay so strong. I wasn't acknowledging my true struggle. And now I'm worn out.
I'm going to tell you the story to the best of recollection because most of this experience I had been unconscious. The night prior I had a horrible sleep and I had experienced the tingling and numbing sensation again but this time on the right side of my body. I decided to stay home this time because I just knew if I went to the ER, they would send me home once again not knowing what was wrong with me. I was going to tough it out this time. Crazy thing is that it lasted all day and night. I couldn't move my right side. I felt paralyzed. But I knew that I'd be fine by morning. Wrong. I was worse. My boyfriend called the ambulance immediately when he found me on the restroom floor making noises as if I was in pain and not responsive. I remember a female paramedic, and about 4 male paramedics surrounding me, in my room, asking me what felt like about 100 questions. I was lifted into my bed and surrounded. I was confused, not really conscious, frustrated, and worse of all speechless. I was incapable of answering one question. I knew the answers, well some of them but I couldn't speak them. I tried. Nothing came out.
Next thing I know, I'm being carried down the stairs and into an ambulance. The entire journey being asked questions. I'm pissed because I want these trained professionals to know they're upsetting me. Stop asking me questions. I can't talk. Just stop it. I'm confused. You aren't helping me. Let me process what the hell is going on. I don't even know why you're here. It's too much pressure. This is my entire thought process. Then I end up in a room with more chaos. More questions. All I could think of is I had to use the restroom but they wouldn't allow me to get out of the bed. I understood why. But if you planned to not hook me up to a catheter why wouldn't you NOT expect me have to go to the restroom. I hated that ER nurse. I knew she probably had good intentions but they definitely need better training for patients that were in my condition because she did not help the situation. She kept saying, we need you to tell us what's wrong. You have to tell us so we can help you. Please tell us what you need. We don't know what to do or how to take care of you if you if you don't tell us. It was so much pressure. Excuse my language but I wanted to say "BITCH, I can't talk, get the hell out of my face."
She was a trained professional and did nothing but upset me. I didn't know what I was experiencing. I didn't know why I couldn't feel or move the entire right side of my body, I didn't know why I was unconscious, I didn't know why I kept getting migraines, I didn't know why I couldn't talk. I was nonverbal out of know where and I couldn't tell you why. How could she not know that I had absolutely no control of these symptoms. I had no idea what this was or why it was happening. I had so much that I wanted to say, but couldn't say it. Was I brain damaged? This was the end, I just knew it. I'd never speak again. I'd never walk again. I'd never be Toya again. This was my disability. The one thing in my life I could not control. I could not fix. An impairment. The day my life changed forever.

​ROUND IV

I spent June 8-June 23 2018 in the hospital struggling and fighting the most difficult fight I've ever had to fight. There's so much that I went through on this most recent journey of mine. I'm so grateful to be alive and recovering. This experience has humbled me, changed me, and woke me up. If I seem different. I am. Mentally I'm trying to process who I've become based on what I've experienced and it hasn't been easy. I've lost motivation to my biggest passion within 2 years. That loss is no longer there. I am back
I spent the first week in ICU. I was barely surviving. I was much too weak to fight. I remember just laying in that hospital bed so angry because I couldn’t speak. Looking at familiar faces that I couldn’t talk to. Being asked questions that I couldn’t answer. I was losing myself all at once and I was going to allow it to happen, because I was tired and worn out. I feel like I’ve been suffering for a lifetime and at this point I needed a break. I wasn’t myself though. I wasn’t thinking. A break was going to ruin me because that strength was necessary in order for me to survive. I didn’t eat for 4 days and vomiting became a habit. Finally I was put on a clear liquid diet. This wasn’t going to help me. You think ice and jello would repair this hungry. For the first time I was seriously suffering and allowing myself to. I wanted to give up so bad. One night my boyfriend brought my son to visit me. At the time I didn’t know he was my son. He was just a familiar face. But I remember him saying, “Mom are you okay? I miss you mom. It’s me Ja’len.” I was nonverbal so I didn’t respond but I also didn’t know who he was. He was just a kid to me. A kid calling me mom. That moment still hurts my heart til this day.
 I can only imagine how it made him feel. A couple of days later I remember staring up at my father one day as he held my hand. By this time I was able to speak a few words but my sentences weren’t flowing yet. but I had more of a memory recollection. It was progress but it was very slow. For some reason I was still very weak. At that moment I was at my weakest and I was so afraid. It was an awkward feeling. I just knew I wouldn’t make it another 24 hours. I was counting my last breath and I was extremely angry and frustrated. It wasn’t fair. I want to say goodbye. Please God let me say goodbye. Let me hug my son and tell him I love him. Let me make sure he’s good first. Let me patch up ill relationships. Let me tell my family and friends that I love them. Let me finish accomplishing my goals. I have so much more to do, so much more to live for. These were my thoughts before I allowed the tears to run down my face. I cried and I said, “Am I going to…” He instantly stopped me. And said NO. Don’t say it. You’ll be fine. You’re going to get out of here. We’re going to be fine. I’ve been through a lot of turmoil, pain, struggle, suffering, tears, and weakness, but the feeling of death. That was new for me. I had never felt death before.
 We prayed and God got me through that day. The next day it was time to fight. So I did. I fought through the blood transfusions, medications, vomiting, physical therapy, lumbar puncture, stomach pains, migraines, diaper wearing, hunger pains, sleepless nights, painful blood draws, platelet transfusion, lab work, steroids, antibiotics, picline failure and the list goes on. Finally after regaining the feeling in my right side, eating solid foods, being able to walk, talk and remember things, with good test results, I was able to go home. I survived. I’m happy and relieved.
Things have changed though. I’m not the same person. If I seem to be different. I am. I’m still recovering. Since this experience I’ve cared less about what people think and more about my feelings. I haven’t really had much of a filter and I’m okay with allowing the full me to take over.
            All of my life I’ve cared what people thought of me. I’ve became a people pleaser. Always letting what the next person had to say affect me. I’ve had family members including my siblings say cruel things to me, even when I’ve been there for them or had their back when they were in need. I’ve come to the point and realization that you can’t trust any one and you just have to live your own life. People will say I’m proud of you when you’re doing well but are no where to be found when you’re struggling. If you’re not around while the ship is sinking don’t come around once the life jacket saves me. People will talk about you when you’re doing bad and when you’re doing good. All I have to say is keep saying my name, and say it often maybe it might help raise awareness for the cause. I’m very observant to personalities and I will treat you exactly how you treat me. This experience has changed me. I’ve learned to love what loves me and stay focused on keeping my peace. PEACE is everything to me. I’ve learned to truly to HUMBLE myself. I was so cocky in the beginning. Thinking that I didn’t need help but I did. I thought I could figure everything out on my own. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to receive help. Just make sure that it’s good help and that it will actually help. Happy Reading!
 
ROUND V
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This is a poem that I wrote full of feelings and emotions about my most recent experience. I’m sure as you read it, you will experience some of my same emotions mentally. This piece can be found in my 2nd book which is a sequel to my first. It will be called “A Piece of Me II: Still Standing”… coming soon! Enjoy!
 
My Disabilty

These past few weeks I’ve been going through it. Still struggling with this complex ass illness. What happened? I was doing so well. And out of nowhere I woke up in hell.
I’m not certain what went wrong because at one point my mental was so strong. Then a flare sneaks up and attacks my immune system. Foreign invaders and I still can’t resist them
 
I fell unconscious and needed an ambulance, then I finally woke up to complete bulshit. It’s like damn wtf can sometimes I get a break, one thing at a time this is so much to intake. This time was different because it was so scary to me, I started thinking like damn death is quickly approaching me. I’ve never experienced something so seriously, it’s been hard times but nothing as fatally.
 
I started feeling something tingling, on the right side of my body, it was so unreal to me. My right arm and leg loss all feeling. Stroke symptoms present really? How could this be? But that’s not the worse, I lost my memory, not only that I also lost my speech. How can you lose your memory and your speech? Makes absolutely no fucking sense to me.
 
Lupus can you please let me fucking breathe? It’s been 23 years and you continue attacking me. Needles, medications, diagnosis and guessing when will this end or stop creating  the stressing? The doctors always say her situation is so complex, Yeah really? You think I didn’t already know that?
 
They had me in diapers and I’m only 32 years old, couldn’t urine on my own cause I had no control. How embarrassing is that, humiliating at most, when does this end, how far will it go. But let me tell ya’ll folks what really hurt the most, I didn’t know my son, my only child was a ghost. It’s a crazy situation not to know your own kid. The one you gave birth to and cared for all these years.
 
They said brain inflammation, she’s mentally unstable. But I feel like I’m becoming fucking disabled. This time around I really thought I’d die, but my son kept me hopeful and fighting for my life. I appreciate the support and all the love given and I can’t wait until I experience that remission.

Until that day come I’ll keep venting through my writing. It’s a mental thing for me, another way of me fighting. Most don’t understand why I stay vocal about this. But I think you’d understood if you lived with it. It’s a release for me, a venting process, the only real escape that helps me get rid of stress.

Doctors say this situation may happen again, damn hearing that makes me feel I won’t win. This is a big challenge and I know I won’t give up but needless to say this illness is still tough. I finally was released and it’s such a great feeling, currently at home accepting this new healing. I know better days will eventually come my way and eventually relieve me from this disability.
 

"Humble Yourselves, or life will do it for you!"
"Remain Humble. You can fall off anyday."

Life. What is it? What's the purpose? I'm sitting here full of thoughts, emotions and confusion. I just finished watching the movie "Precious" and I know, I know it's just a movie but it's also real life to someone else. So I sit here like damn Toya. You just have some painful ass illness that controls your life, moods, health, actions, thoughts, mental and safety. Why do you complain? Why even mention what you go through? No one cares. No one pays attention. You're not helping anyone. You're drawing attention and people are thinking you are an attention seeker.
This entire experience while I'm finding myself, or at least trying to, I try to focus on the things that get me through the day. I may not be getting beat, raped, tortured, homeless, hungry, armless, deaf, blind, etc but truth be told all problems are problems. None are less than the others when it comes to someone's life. We All have different levels of hardship and they ALL need to be tended to. Isn't that how we mold a better world for us to live in? We all need to be heard and that's all I want.
I don't know exactly who I am and I may be still trying to find her. but I do know that I want to be heard. I want people to know my struggle because maybe, just maybe it may help theirs. People reach out to me all the time telling me to keep fighting, and that I am their inspiration. Truth be told though, I'm no fighter. I'm just out here surviving  the best way that I know how. About a week ago a family member of mine asked me what makes me happy? It's rare that people ask me about my feelings, or thoughts. I'm usually given advice or told how to live better, eat better, cure my lupus, etc. My response was "Helping others. Seeing people smile and succeeding. Writing. Jalen. Being around family. Creative stuff like painting. Sentimental things. Words from the heart. All of this makes me happy and keeps me going. And most importantly PEACE." 
This is my truth. I know it's more difficult for me to live like other people because of my health sometimes in regards to certain activities, scenery's and thing, so sometimes I live vicariously through them because I feel like, if they are winning then of course I'm winning too. For example, if one of them has a baby, I'm like yay we had a baby because I know I can't and if I ever can again then it will be a miracle like my first child was. If they're people that I love, then we win together through each other's accomplishments. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. You can't expect people to love like you, give like you, think like you, care like you. And this is one of the reasons why I always feel as though I don't belong here. This world thrives off money, business, trends, looks material, popularity, opinion, etc. I'm not that person. I'm not her. Everyone wants to be like the next person. I don't. I don't care to fit in. As I stated before, I just want to be heard and of course respected.
After this recent experience of mine, I've realized that my lifestyle needs to change. I need to stop surviving and start living. Living the life that I'm supposed to live. Being happy, healthy and free. 

Wow! July 2018! Where do I began? I just looked at my archives and realized that I didn't post a blog, the entire 2017 year. My life could not have been that busy! Or was it? Well let's do a recap. Prepare for this journey as I recap my story. This won't be such a short read but you'll understand why, from writing I took a short leave. Let's start.

My last post was November 2016 and I shared a poem with you all in regards to the pain I was in. But what I didn't do is explain that the pain wasn't only from my lupus nor only externally. It was internally, mentally, and emotionally. I was broken and I didn't know how to be fixed. I had been involved in a bad relationship with a bad person and I had dealt with so many bad dealings during that year because I naively decided to allow this not so great person to be in my space. It caused me more stress and complications to my illness. I was overwhelmed, pressured, hurt, stuck, foolish but overall careless because I felt defeated and didn't want to continue to fight.

The funny thing about it through is that I kept this part of the destruction in my life a secret and managed to accomplish some great things. I graduated University of La Verne with my Bachelor's degree and this was huge. Very huge for me. As I young adult I was told that I wouldn't make it, and that my life was ruined because I had a child at 20 years old before marriage and finishing college.  That had always stuck with me. So I was determined to prove them wrong no matter how long it took. I have a funny way of holding in things and shocking the crowd. Giving them a version of me that they never expected. 

So fast forward, today here I am, t job promotion, three degrees (Two Associates, One Bachelors), working on my Masters, working full time, a mom, soon to be wife, one published book, two pending published books, with a deadly complicated ass illness. I'm maintaining a living, a life and survival. So I could give two shits what a person thinks because guess what, I'm doing it. Me! And the shit IS NOT, I repeat IS NOT easy. 

So let's continue to the focus of this post. I stopped focusing on my passion which was writing and spreading awareness. I got cocky with my progress and just no no longer had the motivation to finish my books which were already over 50% complete. I guess you could say I took a break. I was just living my life. What did I do during that break though? I fell in love. It stopped my world and my routine. I got lost within us and just accepted my new journey. I stopped focusing on me and focused on what was there. It felt good, I felt great, and I was so very happy. There wasn't one thing that could steal that from me. I thrived in it, stopped keeping in touch with a lot of people. That love became my life and was the only thing that mattered at the time. HUGE PROBLEM. I lost myself and forgot that during the process of loving what was going on in my life, I still needed to love me. So from January 2017 to November 2017, my world was beautiful or at least I thought.

In November 2017 I was found unconscious on the floor. I was told that prior to that I thought my kitchen was the restroom and I tried to use it. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and was placed in a medically induced coma while under sedation. A tube was placed down my throat due to an insufficient amount of oxygen being received. Imagine how I felt once I woke up? Restrained, pain in throat, not knowing where the hell I was or who the people were around me, sedated, in pain, confused, catheter, etc. My first thought was get me the hell out of here. Then, I thought someone was trying to kill me until a nurse approached me asking questions. I just stared. Observed my surroundings until I saw familiar things. Nothing was familiar though. The Nurse explained that I was at the hospital in ICU. I felt like I was in the psych ward because they had me tied to a bed and it didn't look like a typical hospital room. I remember my sister approaching me asking me if I knew who she was, who I was, where I was, etc. I didn't. So I laid there, angry, confused and wanting to break free. I was told that many family members were there but I don't remember, all that I am able to say at this point is that I appreciate you for the support. I remember a select few after I was finally alert and slightly stable. My apologies to that hospital staff because I was not a friendly patient. I cursed, threatened, screamed, etc. I remember my friend apologizing on my behalf and telling them I wasn't a mean person and to forgive my behavior. The next day or two I was transferred to my home hospital, treated for about 1-2 weeks and discharged back home. I remember my discharge diagnosis said something like confused, or mentally impaired. When I was sent home so much drama occurred. I won't go into those details but I will say I was cocky. I didn't think I needed anyone or any help. I refused it all. My mom flew out here to help care for me and I wasn't appreciative because I thought I was super woman. I could do it all. I didn't need help. I kept telling everyone I always bounce back. This can't stop me. I went right back to work in less than 4 weeks and I was ready. Ready to take over. I didn't need family of friends, or did I?
​
"Arrogance is an unhealthy ego in need of repair." ~Thomas Faranda
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​TO BE CONTINUED...

So I haven't written on here in a while and I apologize for the delays... My life has been up and down and a whirlwind of crazy but the past few weeks have been great!

That's how it works though. Things will be going just fine and lupus will come and fuck it up! Thanks lupus!

I'm feeling pretty great today but last night I was in so much pain, I was pissed. I'm sick of feeling like, every time lupus wants to act up, that I have to pop a pill or some type of narcotics.

I'm sick of letting this bitch have any type of power in my life. When I usually get this upset, I have to vent. I have to tell the world or whoever decides to listen, how I feel and I usually do that through poetry. If you have an issue with curse words or a release of anger then do yourself a favor and don't read it. This poem will be available in A Piece of Me II along with some others. Be on the look out!

This Bitch named Lupus
 
So let me tell y’all about this bitch that I know,
Her named is lupus and she started harassing me a while ago.
I met her when I was a little girl,
She creeped into my life and fucked up my entire world.
I used to try and picture my life without her,
But there’s something about me that she won’t let go.
She’s worse than a venomous snake bite
And she always attacks like a thief in the night.
With her around, things never go my way,
She always manages to fuck up my day.
She’s always in the way like a sneaky ass snake.
She’s a clingy ass bitch that I just can’t take.
Every day I wish that she would just go away
But she returns for more like a lost ass stray.
She causes struggle, pain and so much heartache
I wish she this was a glass that I could break.
I be fighting this bitch every single day,
She still can’t seem to stay out of my way.
She never gives me a warning when she’s ready to attack
Something’s got to give because this shit is whack!
I’m venting because I’m mad and really angry too!
I wish that this bitch would find something else to do!
I’m annoyed and frustrated and ready to explode.
The things I want to do to her you don’t even know.
I wish that people could understand what I really deal with
So that they could help me get rid of this annoying little bitch.
Is she that damn jealous that she tries to steal my life?
It’s cool because I’ll just continue on with my fight.
In the meantime, let me tell y’all a little something.
Please educate yourselves because this bitch may go hunting.
For those who already seemed to know her,
Don’t worry warriors we’ll find a cure.
For those who haven’t met her and just don’t seem to care
Please be careful because she is no longer rare
She’ll attack you and your family too
So I’ll keep raising awareness so that you know what to do.
I’ve never hated anything as much as I hate this bitch,
To get rid of her I’d accept never being rich.
She’s cruel, cold, deadly and not nice,
She’s always trying to ruin my body out of spite
After 21 years I still haven’t given up
It’s super hard though because this bitch really sucks
After all of this time, you’d think she’d finally quit
But I guess she attacks the strongest, she’s such a silly witch.
My message to her and her torturous ass tricks
I’m still alive and you won’t win, you stupid bitch.
 

Remember you will not always win.
Some days, the most resourceful individual will taste defeat.
But there is, in this case, always tomorrow -
after you have done your best to achieve success today. - Maxwell Maltz
 

So I haven’t written a blog in awhile and I decided to attempt to get back in the groove. I have these crazy ass mood swings where I’m up and down. Sometimes I’m excited and so motivated and other times I’m like forget this shit.

That is what lupus does to me. It steals my joy and dedication and then leads me down the road of giving up. Health wise I’ve been struggling trying to stay afloat and stay alive. I feel like every other second I’m wearing boxing gloves and continuously getting my ass kicked. It’s tough because I haven’t been a good fighter lately. I haven’t been defeated either. 

Hopefully this time off of work that I’m expecting soon will lend me a helping hand in my healing process! Right now lupus really doesn’t like me and I’ve never liked lupus.
Back to reality now! Enjoy your day!